Chocobos, rankedOn July 12, 2017 by Kenna
Oversized chicken-ostrich hybrid creatures are not typically known as man’s best friend. At least not IRL.
But for Final Fantasy players, they are a national (if not intergalactic) treasure that deserves praise for being the goodest of boys. Chocobos, for the uninitiated, are a bird-like species in the Final Fantasy series that are most prominently used as rideable mounts that help players explore their virtual world. They have also made appearances in many a joyful chocobo race.
You may think chocobos are all the same, with pigeon-headed loyalty. But their individuality goes beyond just the color differentiation that we’ve seen across the series.
Chocobos are individuals, not just mascots or furry sprint buttons. We’ve underestimated chocobo culture. So we’re here to fix that.
10. Pink Chocobo, Final Fantasy VII and XIV
Pink Chocobo makes it onto our list for the Pussy Riot x Final Fantasy crossover potential that’s just waiting to happen. Get woke, Square Enix.
9. Battle-Hardened Chocobo, Final Fantasy XIV
The stereotype of chocobos as your friendly, neighborhood mount negates the species’ storied history as the K-9s of Final Fantasy. What we termed the “Battle-Hardened Chocobo” can be identified by the purely aesthetic addition of customizable armor, which offer no new abilities — other than looking badass AF, of course.
8. Rambunctious Chocobo, Final Fantasy XIII-2
We’re not exactly sure what purpose the rambunctious chocobos serve, aside from encapsulating the spirit of untamable wilderness. A mutant hybrid between Cocoon and Pulse chocobos, these red-feathered feral beauties are so metal, they have a dedicated actual metal song on the OST entitled “Crazy Chocobos.” Its lyrics include: “So you wanna be a trailblazer? / Kickin’ dirt like a hell raiser? / Take the reins, but don’t react slow / It’s time to feel the force of the chocobo.” #MyBodyIsReady
7. Costumed Chocobo Guy, Final Fantasy XV
Found only during the temporary Moogle and Chocobo Festival last January, this creature initiated the event’s dancing mini-game. And also made us question the fabric of reality. I mean, is he just a regular human dude, sweating in a Chocobo costume like a Disneyworld employee? You’d assume so, as evidenced by the seams around his Chocobo head and feet.
But the uncanny realism of the trademark Chocobo “Kweh” call — and the apparent lack of human needs, like bathroom breaks — raises some concerns. What if we’re in a The Mask situation, and a chocobo costume has taken over this poor human’s body? Or the chocobo-human hybrid is actually the result of a scientific experiment gone wrong that now gets paraded around like a freak show attraction?
Costumed Chocobo Guy: please Kweh twice if you are being held against your will. Help is near.
6. Stand-Up Chocobo, Final Fantasy XV
Go ahead: stand fully upright on the Stand-Up Chocobo’s head — because Stand-Up Chocobo don’t care. Combining the fun of a stand-up paddle board with the mobility of a chocobo, I think we’ve found our hot new summer exercise trend.
5. Koko and Boko’s chocobabies, Final Fantasy VIII
In a world torn apart by pirate violence, these chocobo chickies are just trying to hang onto childhood while their parents seek the American Dream.
4. Gold Choco, Final Fantasy IX
Honestly, fuck every other gold chocobo besides Choco. The rarest, most difficult to acquire, gold chocobos strut their feathers like they’re god’s gift to this earth (which, they kind of are).
But what about the less flashy ones who get scolded by their owners for not being able to compete in a race against a chocobo that not only has the highest stats, but also is impervious to obstacles on the track?
Choco is special. The equivalent of a rescue chocobo, he can earn his golden status by escaping the clutches of his abusive owners and finding his way to Chocobo Paradise.
3. Chocomaximus, Final Fantasy XIV Online
Created by the sheer willpower of players on the Excalibur server, Chocomaximus was a beautiful, monsterous experiment. Aside from stacking endless fat chocobos on top of each other in an attempt to block out the sun, these heroes also made a literal bridge for humanity with the Fat Chocobo Bridge (above).
2. Fat Chocobo
Aside from being featured in nearly every Final Fantasy game since III, this omnipotent creature is both A) the literal god of chocobos and B) extremely squishy-looking. End of discussion.
1. Chubby Chocobo, Chocobo Racing
But wait, you ask, didn’t we just award Fat Chocobo 2nd place? Yes, we did. And Chubby Chocobo is a totally separate plus-sized chocobo (who does not appreciate your assumption that all full-bodied chocobos are the same). Defying the laws of physics, compulsive eating, and cholesterol, Chubby Chocobo zooms past the finish line and into our hearts on a jet-propelled tricycle.
Bonus Round: Car Chocobo
Find you an IRL chocobo for the ultimate chicken-riding experience.